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Saturday, August 22, 2009

Kahani Raaka, Shaka, Reshma aur Bijli ki…

Raaka : Aged looking Dharmendra wearing a cowboy cap and romancing Anita Raj.

Shaka : A fugitive being chased by police.. Evergreen goonda cum hero Shatrughan Sinha (It’s easy to visualize him as a rowdy or a fugitive than a gentleman or a high profile industrialist! Try once :-))

Reshma : Shaka (Shatrughan Sinha) ki bahen. To make it simpler, Reshma bole to overacting ki maa; who screams every dialogue and jerks / shakes her face before every single sentence!

Jeene Nahi Doonga

Bijli : Raaka (Dharmendra) ka love interest. I wonder why she needs to love such an aged cowboy! Phew. Poor lady.

: Yeah there is one more character named Badal with weird colored hairdo. He is Raj Babbar. GRRRRRRRR… Come on.. Raj babbar as a hero? Okay he is a good actor but Hero? To accept Raj Babbar as a hero is as difficult as accepting Rakhi sawant in sister's role or Nirupa Roy as a rich woman :D

But who are they???

Well, these characters are from 1984 flick called "Jeene Nahi Doonga". Wah wah kya naam hai! Aisi movie dekhne ke baad kaun zinda rahena chahega :-D

So last night while I was randomly browsing channels, I got a golden chance to watch this movie for a while.

Now watching a Hindi movie is like playing a game of prediction. Especially movies made from'70 to '90.

And trust me, 99% you will have the right guess! Funny...We all know what’s going to happen and yet, we all watch it :)

Don’t trust me? Here are some examples!

  • If there is an honest police officer (who is not a hero), then he has to die within 10 minutes of his appearance and he will surely leave behind -
    a. Pregnant wife OR
    b. Poor wife and 2 sons… These 10 and 8 year old sons will be so mature that they make Confucius look like a dumb ass.

  • Kulbhushan Kharbanda has to die as an honest middle class man or a factory worker wearing blue color uniform throughout the movie.
  • If Ranjeet is in the star cast, there has to be a rape scene!
    a. If Ranjeet is trying to rape our heroine, she will be saved just in time by brave hero.
    b. If Ranjeet is trying to rape hero’s sister or a poor girl from a basti, then Ranjeet will be successful.
  • If Johnny lever is in a movie, there will be hammering. If Shah Rukh khan is in a movie, there will be stammering.
  • While spending his entire life to take revenge, when hero captures a villain, he will say – “main tumhe itni aasani se nahi maroonga….tadpa tadpa ke maroonga….” (Aare yaar villain ko maar aur movie khatam kar… tere tadapane ke chakkar me dekhne walo ki jaan chali jayegi re)
  • If Helen / Aruna Irani is in a movie, there has to be a cabaret.
  • If an honest police officer / journalist finds evidence (video tape / document / CD) against a villain, he/she will make it a point to tell the villain in front of 100 other goons. This scene will be followed by -
    a. Honest police officer being killed OR
    b. Our brave journalist being chased and killed by goons

  • If a hero stays in a basti, there will be a villain cum builder who wants to build a shopping complex there!
  • A hero/heroine can easily disguise by coloring hair or sticking fake moustache or by changing attire to become a sadhu or banjara. In either case, either they will sing a bhajan or raunchy number in front of the villain and his gang and a police officer (and bunch of hawaldars). (How can you disguise like that? I mean with his unbalanced body movement, Dev Anand can’t hide even in a burkha! )
  • If our hero is poor, heroine has to be a spoilt brat of a rich dad. Vice versa is also true.
  • An ordinary hero can easily fight against 10 -20 goondas. Sunny Deol can beat 50 goondas. Rajnikanth can demolish an army.
  • A hero will fight against 10 / 20 / 50 goondas and beat them up; goondas are so disciplined that they will attack our hero one after another… Someone need to teach them the word calledTeam work”!
  • Warning : A song in a Hindi movie is like a ghost. It can pop up anytime and it will always pop up when least expected. (Sometimes, both of them are equal scary!)
  • If it’s a Jeetendra movie, there has to be bunch of earthen pots lined up (and minor blasts in background splashing various colors in all directions) while he shakes his booty more vigorously than Sridevi.
  • A village name must be Rampur or Ramgarh or some name followed by “pur” or “garh”.
  • If there is a Thakur in a movie, then either he will be worshiped like a god in his village or he will be an extremely cruel character.
    a. If he is worshipped, then his younger brother or son has to be a cruel character.
    b. If Thakur is cruel, then our hero has to be 1) a poor man from basti or 2) a recently posted police officer in that area, who refuses to bow down against Thakur.

And yeah, if hero is a recently posted police officer, there has to be a scene where Thakur (or his sidekick) tries to buy him and our honest hero refuses followed by Thakur threatening him by stating examples of what happened to such police officers in the past…

Phew! I am sure you can add lot and lot to this list!

By the way, I want to see a “dream movie”. My dream movie is a one in which -

  • Heroine shakes her booty more than Jeetendra
  • A K Hungal is a cruel Thakur
  • Nirupa Roy is a vamp
  • Ranjeet (instead of removing) gifting a sari to a girl and saving her izzat from goondas…
  • Sunny Deol is beaten up by a street rowdy
  • Kulbhushan Kharbanda is a billionaire
  • Helen is hero’s sister
  • Dev Anand stays steady for 10 minutes
  • Amitabh Bachhan is not Vijay and Shah Rukh khan is not Rahul
  • Instead of kheer or gajar ka halwa, hero’s mom orders dominos ka pizza for him :-)

What do you say :-) I would love to hear from you!

© Except image in this post, all rights reserved with Mihir Rawal. To re-print or re-use, prior permission is required from the author


Whats In A Name said...

HA HA,,,,
Reallly funny...
Just love it man!!!!!
And thanks for following me... Am reciprocating right now.. And yeah.. You are on my blogroll

Somya said...

Interesting observations...though I would like to mention a could have been exception to the rule no..
A village name must be Rampur or Ramgarh or some name followed by “pur” or “garh-

Okay my dad was posted in a small but a prosperous city in UP and I was studying in a reputed all girls convent in the city...one fine morning half asleep I reach school and find I am in St. Mary's Ramnagar(whoopie which means I can go back home since this isnt my school) and could see those big big camera's and lights set in the assembly ground. Being a typical product of 80's it took me some time to realise that I was about to witness my first brush with the filmstars(so what if they were B grade). Hold your breath..the story of the movie shot was hero ka beta hamare school mein padta hai and heroine is a teacher in our school. Allz well except the fact none of the asses who were shooting realised what is a lone boy doing in an all girls convent. Obviously the funniest bit was where all teachers were all but hanging on to the heroine(Shaheen- did some c grade t series produced movies). So while that movie may bomb elsewhere we were sure it would great business in our city but unfortunately everyone's dreams were quashed when the movie was canned later due to lack of finances.

hmmm... sorry my comment is perhaps longer than your post...but then the art of writing smallers comments has always eluded me.

Take care!

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